Search My Heart

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Test me and know my anxious thoughts

The sun had not emerged yet, and I was fumbling for a cup of coffee when I heard her crying out again. Okay. But first coffee. With a cup full of brave, I walked down the hall to peek in her door and found her curled up in a ball on the bed.

My daughter had been sick with a fever for several days. This bug was hangin’ on like a flea on a hound. Sweet girl had been enduring and fighting it like a Jedi warrior (light saber and all—true story). But I can’t say I handled it so well with that nagging fear always nipping at a mother’s heals when her little lamb is ill.

She was up every few hours which meant I was up with her. And when I did try sleeping, my mind just wandered through imaginary lists of unchecked tasks, unwritten emails, unpaid bills. By morning I was feeling unnerved.

I sat on her floor with that warm mug in my hands, but had not an ounce of courage to face the day. My head drooped as if admitting defeat before the sun had a chance to rise. My mind was all tangled. The lies whispered in my ear began rolling off my lips: “I’m not good at any of this…” But in that posture, I realized that the only reason for me to bow my head should never be in shame or defeat. And I remembered who I am. As a child of God, the only reason to bow my head is to pray.

I remembered how I have complete access to God’s throne room at any time. I had to consciously turn my thoughts to Him and ask Him to search my heart. Only He can untangle my mess and give me peace. Prayer forces me to focus on my Source and not myself. I must put my heart at his feet and surrender my way.

As I prayed I admitted to myself that I can’t really be a good mom, or wife, or friend, in my own strength because it’s not really about meat all. I am totally ineffective at all of that until it is about loving God as my true affection. It has to be Christ in me first.

A sweet friend of mine inspired me with this thought: It’s all about loving God, letting Him love others through me, and showing them His love. That is all I’m actually responsible for! The rest is on Him.

Friend, are you feeling discouraged in any way? What worries are getting tangled around your heart? It’s time to let them go and lay them at His feet. He will equip you for every good work, but you must bring everything to God in prayer. Your promise is the peace of God.

That peace which reassures the heart, that peace which transcends all understanding, that peace which stands guard over your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus is yours.{Phil. 4:7 AMP}

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