I remember the moment vividly. We were at church one Sunday morning, and I was eager for the service to be over so that I could grab a snack to relieve my morning sickness. In a healthy pregnancy morning sickness is a good sign that the fetus is growing and producing more hormones through the placenta. But I there was a sadness that accompanied my morning sickness, because you see, I was losing the pregnancy.
At our church we regularly have guest musicians play during the offering. That particular Sunday the musician played a brand new song she had been working on. The lyrics were about waiting on God through the storms of life.
I had first discovered I was pregnant on March 19, 2009. It had been two years of trying to conceive. After the home pregnancy test, I went to the doctor’s office to confirm the results. The problem was, I was experiencing some spotting and cramping. The doctor sent me for blood work to check my HCG levels over a few days. The hormone levels were rising, which should be a good sign.
Then he ordered an early ultrasound within a couple weeks to see if anything had progressed. I went in at eight weeks for my ultrasound, but what we saw was a small fetal sac, measured to be 7 weeks 4 days. No heart beat could be found.
The most eerie part is that I knew just when that little life ended. It had been on that Sunday – the same one when God gave me the word about waiting on the Lord. Something inside me told me that this tiny baby would not make it. I literally felt in my spirit the loss of life.
The Lord was instructing me to wait on him, to trust in his timing, to hold onto my faith, because one day all of this heartache would become more clear. But for right now, my job assignment is to keep on believing that he is good.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
Throughout the year God has been reminding me daily of his promises. The Lord would send me little reminders of his presence, whether through a sermon, a song on Christian radio, a scripture, or the encouragement of a friend, so that I may persevere in the waiting.
There have been moments of strength and fortitude when my focus was squarely on the Lord, but there have also been heavier moments of despair. Still, I would hold onto the word he gave me,
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Then…one Saturday afternoon, exactly one year after the loss, I took a new pregnancy test. It was POSITIVE!
I confirmed the pregnancy with my doctor and established OB care with her. The ultrasound is scheduled for April 1st. Until then, I have to hold onto hope and trust that no matter what I do, I am not in control. God is in control.
Last Sunday at church, I received a new word from the Lord. Just like the time before, it came during the guest musician’s performance. Only this time God was renewing my faith in his promise with this word from Psalm 40,
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry… He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.